Dancing with the… Krokus?

I watched the premiere of Dancing with the Stars on the DVR the other night. Yes, I know, by admitting this I’ve just edged one step closer to eternal hellfire, but my wife was watching and I wanted to see how John Ratzenberger did.

What song did the producers choose to open the show with? None other than “Ballroom Blitz.”

The heavy metal band KrokusNow, Wikipedia might insist that the song was first released by glam rockers Sweet in 1973, but God Himself on his Golden Throne has decreed that the definitive version of “Ballroom Blitz” was recorded by heavy metal giants Krokus in 1984. He will brook no argument on this. It’s not a particularly good song (in any incarnation), but back in the early ’80s it had a certain drive, power, and yes, even a little bit of anarchic menace to it.

The Dancing with the Stars band absolutely butchered “Ballroom Blitz,” like they butcher just about every piece of music that’s put in front of them. It’s actually fairly interesting to watch C-list stars try to tackle ballroom dancing, but listening to Dorky McWhiteington and His White Band massacre song after song is excruciating. (Especially given that Dorky McW is black.) Turning “The Power of Love” and “Let’s Hear It for the Boy” into schmaltzy, bar mitzvah band pop that’s even too bland for Grandma is no difficult feat, but leeching every last bit of soul out of “Chain of Fools” takes real talent. Somewhere in Guantanamo Bay, I’m convinced, there are CIA interrogators watching Dancing with the Stars and taking notes.

I find this all extremely ironic. Twenty-three years ago, when I started growing long hair and hanging out with the heavy metal kids (we were called “baggers” back then, Lord knows why), this music was scary. Judas Priest, AC/DC, Krokus, Iron Maiden, Ratt, Ozzy Osbourne, Mötley Crüe, W.A.S.P. — there was a time when parents were so worried about the influence of these bands on their children that Tipper Gore managed to make a big stink of it on Capitol Hill and cause the record industry to self-apply warning label stickers to their albums.

I’m sure that in the middle of some drunken high school or junior high school evening, my friends and I must have blasted our heavy metal music at full volume and laughed ourselves sick at the specific idea of prime time cheeseballs opening a schmaltzy variety show with a Krokus song.

Which leads me to the question: Is it possible to sustain “coolness” indefinitely? Should we even try? Or should we just accept the fact that the edgy, alternative hip-hop/electronica/garage band mashup you’re digging today will eventually be schmaltzified by Dorky McWhiteington and His White Band on Dancing with the Stars?

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The Ever-Expanding Brand

News flash: Starbucks expanded too fast.

Or at least, so says Starbucks founder Howard Schultz in a memo that circulated on the Internet recently. The chain went from 1,000 to 13,000 locations in a decade. As a result, Starbucks has gone from the epitome of cool — which it really was, back when grunge was the hip thing — to, well, Starbucks. I think I literally pass about 15 Starbucks on my way to work in the morning, and those are just the ones that are within half a mile of the highway.

And yet, it’s easy to forget that Starbucks practically invented the modern coffeehouse. When I was in high school, there were no hip coffeehouses to hang out in. If you wanted to hang out and gab with your friends in a public place, you went to the mall. If you wanted to drink coffee, there was the Folger’s brand dreck you buy at the supermarket, or there were fancy-schmancy imported European brands. The first Starbucks were a revelation. Great coffee, great eye for design, quirky attitude, and socially responsible too! (Or so we believed then.)

Daniel Gross wrote a fascinating piece in the L.A. Times this weekend about companies, like Starbucks, that expand too quickly and sacrifice their brand magic. Other case studies of the trend, according to the article, include Krispy Kreme, Restoration Hardware, Snapple, and California Pizza Kitchen. All once exclusive — nay, magical — consumer experiences, all blanded down by Wall Street’s push for ever-expanding profits. Remember the first time you walked into Restoration Hardware? It was awesome. Now? Not so much. I might add to this list The Sharper Image, Tower Records, Boston Market, the Olive Garden, TGI Friday’s, and IKEA.

Extend the concept to television, and you’ve got Seinfeld, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, and Star Trek. Film franchises? All I have to say is that Lethal Weapon was considered edgy on its release in 1987. The Batman and Superman series fell into self-parody and both needed expensive reboots. (Star Trek is supposedly next in line for a reboot, with Matt Damon, Adrien Brody, and Gary Sinise reportedly in line to play the young Kirk, Spock, and Bones. I kid you not.) Books? I would argue that Orson Scott Card has screwed the pooch on the marvelous Ender series with his increasingly wretched (and seemingly endless) series of Bean books and tie-in stories. (I could even go so far as to suggest the United States is subject to this phenomenon as well, but I don’t feel like getting political today.)

I wrote about this phenomenon in Infoquake. In fact, this arc of rise, bloat, and fall is one of the principle themes of the Jump 225 Trilogy. It seems to me that this is simply the way the world works. Brands, like people, like companies, like everything, are only allotted so much time on this Earth. Marketplace pressures demand that they expand quickly, and then the same marketplace pressures will pull them back down again. Nobody has yet found the magical formula to extend a company indefinitely, just like nobody has yet found the magical formula to extend people indefinitely.

Think of the brands that have stood the test of time. Coke, Sears, J.C. Penney, Ford, KMart. The only reason Coke continues its market domination, I’m convinced, is because of the virtual monopoly on the soda industry it shares with Pepsi, and that mostly has to do with distribution. There’s not a major stadium or movie theater chain or fast food franchise in America that doesn’t carry either Coke or Pepsi products. Give consumers a real choice and I’m betting that many of them would opt for R.C. or Virgin. Sears and Penney’s will soon go the way of Montgomery Ward, and Ford’s and KMart’s futures aren’t exactly looking promising.

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Global Warming Skepticism

I’ve been mulling the idea of writing a piece about my skepticism over global warming, but now it looks like I don’t really have to; my friend and fellow Pyr SF novelist Joel Shepherd has written it for me.

The Separation of State and Military

Darryl Sharratt is the father of Justin Sharratt. Who is Justin Sharratt? Lance Corporal Justin Sharratt is one of the Marines accused of murdering civilians in Haditha, Iraq. Darryl Sharratt recently shared his feelings on the case in an interview with the right-wing website NewsMax. In that interview, I found this revealing quote:

We have a constitutional amendment that separates church and state, but we need one that separates state and military.

Congressman Jack MurthaRegardless of the guilt or innocence of Lance Cpl. Sharratt, his father does indeed raise an interesting point. Congressman Jack Murtha, who brought the Haditha incident to the public spotlight, also chairs the House Defense Appropriations Subcommittee. Which means that there’s something of a conflict of interest in him pushing for the prosecution of these Marines. The military could conceivably be prosecuting Sharratt & Co. simply because they’re afraid to piss Murtha off and have their budgets slashed or redirected.Are you going to bite the hand that feeds you?” Sharratt asks NewsMax. “They may say it’s not political, but there’s your first step in the political process — you have to go to this man to get your next M-16 rifle.”

Which leads me to one of the things that’s so distressing about the whole Iraq War in the first place. Most of the men and women in our government seem to have forgotten what the Constitution says about the separation of powers. Worse yet, the public’s bought in to it.

Here’s how it’s supposed to work, according to the Constitution.

Islamic fundamentalists execute a direct attack on the United States. The public is outraged. The U.S. intelligence agencies figure out who’s behind the attack and hand this information off to Congress. Congress jumps into emergency sessions and, after some speechifying, decides to declare war on Afghanistan. The president salutes smartly, says “will do,” and orders up the attack on Afghanistan. The war progresses, Congress declares a victory or a treaty or even a retreat, and the president complies.

This is something every American kid learns in school. The president of the United States cannot declare war. Only the Congress can do that. Let’s take a look at the tape. (Or, rather, let’s take a look at Article One, Section 8 of a certain yellowed historic document sitting in the National Archives.)

The Congress shall have the power… To declare war, grant letters of marque and reprisal, and make rules concerning captures on land and water; To raise and support armies, but no appropriation of money to that use shall be for a longer term than two years; To provide and maintain a navy; To make rules for the government and regulation of the land and naval forces; To provide for calling forth the militia to execute the laws of the union, suppress insurrections and repel invasions; To provide for organizing, arming, and disciplining, the militia, and for governing such part of them as may be employed in the service of the United States, reserving to the states respectively, the appointment of the officers, and the authority of training the militia according to the discipline prescribed by Congress.

Meanwhile, the president? Here’s what aforementioned yellowed document says about his/her role:

The President shall be Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy of the United States, and of the Militia of the several States, when called into the actual Service of the United States…. He shall have Power, by and with the Advice and Consent of the Senate, to make Treaties, provided two thirds of the Senators present concur.

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…And Justice for Some

60 Minutes asked the mother of accused Duke lacrosse player David Evans the other day what she would say to District Attorney Mike Nifong if he were in the room. Quoth Ms. Evans: “I would say with a smile on my face, ‘Mr. Nifong, you’ve picked on the wrong families… and you will pay every day for the rest of your life.'”

The news networks are practically slobbering all over the floor about this story. Newsweek just ran a piece on accused Duke lacrosse player Reade Seligmann that borders on the hagiographic. FOX News is swaggering all over it with outrageously biased headlines (“Duke Lacrosse ‘Rape’ Accuser Changes Story Again, Says Seligmann Didn’t Touch Her,” “Judge in Duke ‘Rape’ Case Orders Paternity Test for Accuser’s Baby”).

Reade Seligmann
David Evans
Colin Finnerty

(BTW, you can tell you’re on to something when the right-wing media starts hauling out the belittling quotation marks. She’s a “rape” accuser, much like Massachusetts legalized gay “marriage” and Al Gore made a movie about “global warming.”)

So here’s the thing: what if this exotic dancer did get assaulted that night?

Okay, okay: she’s a wacked-out druggy that hangs out on a stripper pole. She can’t keep her story straight, she seems to have slept with half of the state, and she certainly doesn’t seem to have the best motives for bringing this thing forward. After all that’s happened, she may be the least credible courtroom witness since Captain Queeg.

But does that mean she didn’t get assaulted? Does that mean she doesn’t deserve to have her case investigated? Does that mean she should be hounded at every turn by journalists? This is a person, for fuck’s sake. I don’t care how skanky the woman is; if she comes forward with a credible complaint, then our system of legal justice is supposed to be on her side.

People have jumped all over this woman’s inconsistencies and concluded that her story is wildly improbable. But is it, really?

No. Not at all. Picture this:

Coked-up erotic dancer gets hired to do a striptease/toy show at some local fraternity for a couple hundred bucks. Erotic dancer arrives, stoned out of her mind, her and the other dancer do their striptease thing. She’s so out of it she can barely walk. The whole place is just a blur of rich white boys leering at her, it’s dark, there’s lots of loud music playing. She wanders around afterwards, drinking beers that the boys are handing her, enduring the occasional ass grab and maybe grabbing an ass or two in return. She blanks out near the bathroom, a couple of the guys help her in there because they think she might puke. She falls to the floor in front of the toilet, thinking she’s going to throw up, and passes out again. The kid behind her sees grade-A exotic dancer pussy being thrust in his face and yanks down her underwear. The boys hoot and holler and take turns poking her with their fingers and miscellaneous plastic objects they find around the bathroom. After all, they’re drunk off their asses too, and man, this shit is funny. Finally she comes to and they help her to her feet. Things are hazy, she can’t tell what’s going on, but she knows that those aren’t her hands up her skirt. She feels sore in places where she shouldn’t feel sore. Suddenly one of the senior frat members opens the bathroom door, says, c’mon guys, what the fuck are you doing? Get that bitch out of here before you get us in trouble. The boys momentarily come to their senses, think, shit, he’s right. They straighten her out, put her underwear back on, and walk her back to the party. They’ve only been gone for five or six minutes. The senior frat member pulls the second exotic dancer over, says, you’d better get her out of here, she’s a mess. Thirty seconds later, they’re gone. The front door closes, the senior drags the boys into a corner and says, you didn’t fuck her, did you? That’s rape, assholes, you can go to jail for that shit. One of the boys says, are you fuckin’ crazy? We don’t want to get AIDS. We were just playin’ around. Senior: Jesus. She’s okay, right? No harm done? You didn’t hurt her or anything? Boys: no, no, I think she’s okay. It was like the fuckin’ Lincoln Tunnel down there. She probably fucked three or four guys before she even got here. Senior: You fuckin’ idiots. Fine. Just keep this quiet, no harm done. Nobody else saw you, right? We could get expelled for this shit. Three teenagers: no, no, don’t worry about it. We’re cool.

That scenario? Totally plausible. There are a thousand variations you could come up with. I’d venture a guess that this exact thing happens at least every weekend somewhere in this country. I’m sure just about anyone who’s ever attended a college fraternity party can say that they either witnessed something like this or heard about it second-hand.

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The Real Iraq War Acid Test

As the death toll for the Iraq War continues to climb and President Bush decides to ramp up the U.S. commitment there instead of ramping it down, public support for the war has taken a nosedive in the past year. The latest USA Today/Gallup poll gives Bush a 72% disapproval rating on his handling of Iraq.

Politicians and pollsters are now lining up to declare themselves in essentially two separate camps:

  1. The camp that says we made a mistake going into Iraq
  2. The camp that says we were right to go into Iraq, but have done a poor job of it

George W. Bush in the Mission Accomplished speechWhen we put ourselves into George W. Bush’s (most likely fake) cowboy boots, we generally ask ourselves if we would have made the same decision back then as he did. The alternatives are generally framed as a messy, violent situation where Saddam Hussein remains in power, or a messy, violent situation where Saddam Hussein isn’t in power.

But I think the real acid test on the war is this: would you still have invaded Iraq if the United States had easily and decisively won the conflict?

Let’s pretend that instead of the smoldering ruin we have now, Iraq is now a functioning, albeit dodgy, democracy. Let’s pretend that those looters never tore Baghdad to shreds in the days immediately following the fall of Saddam, and that the radical Islamists never gained any traction with their insurgency. Let’s pretend that, instead of 3,000 U.S. soldiers killed and who knows how many hundreds of thousands of Iraqis killed, the total casualty list right now is merely in the hundreds or the low thousands. Knowing all this… if you had the opportunity to jump in a time machine right now, would you still choose to invade Iraq?

The point I’m trying to make is that fair-weather war supporters piss me off. If you’re going to support the war, then support the fucking war and take responsibility for it.

Did you support the invasion of Iraq back before the death toll started to climb, and then change your mind when it was your kid or your friend or your neighbor that lost a leg? Did you support the decision to destabilize the region and send U.S. troops into harm’s way only because you thought we’d kick ass and take names? Did you support the war because you thought it would be easy? What did you think would happen when the tanks started rolling in and the missiles started flying? Did you really buy that line about us being greeted as liberators?

I’m a little worried about attacking straw men here, simply because I don’t know anyone personally who’s made such a turnaround. Almost everyone I’ve had discussions with about the Iraq War opposed it to some degree from the beginning. But these fair-weather war supporters have to be out there. The approval numbers have gone from 76% in April 2003 down to their current 26% today. What could account for these numbers other than people who supported the war because they thought it would be a cakewalk?

News flash: war is hell. It’s always hell. Details at 11.

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Was Abraham Lincoln Such a Great President?

Historians routinely rank Abraham Lincoln as one of our greatest presidents, even though he took many more gross liberties with the Constitution than George W. Bush. Rush Limbaugh’s conclusion: Bush is a great president too. My conclusion: maybe Abraham Lincoln wasn’t such a great president either.

Five Things Neither Democrats or Republicans Are Talking About, But Damn It, They Should

Today’s the day we finally get to discover whether the Democrats’ surge allows them to break the Republican lock on government that’s been a fact of life for most of the Bush presidency. While some are calling this a potential sea change, there are a few commentators out there that are stating the truth: this election really won’t change much in the end. Even if the Democrats take control of the House and Senate, they’re … Read more

Five Things Republicans Need to Shut Up About if They Intend to Run the Country Again at Some Point

It’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that the Republicans are going to lose at least one house of Congress in next week’s mid-term elections. Or at least, it would be a foregone conclusion if they were running against anybody but the Democrats. (See my recent blog entry Five Things Democrats Need to Shut Up About if They Intend to Run the Country Again.) Still, if any Congress deserves a change in leadership, it’s this one. … Read more

Five Things Democrats Need to Shut Up About if They Intend to Run the Country Again

The Democrats will probably wrest control of one or both houses of Congress from the Republicans in a few weeks. As far as I’m concerned, that’s a good thing. But it’s a good thing largely because the Republicans have been doing a bad job governing and they deserve the boot — not because the Democrats have presented much in the way of a viable alternative. The Democratic Party worries me. They’ve been witless, hapless, senseless, … Read more