- Gandalf: “Before you decide whether we should go through the Mines of Moria, Frodo, I should warn you that there’s a 30-foot-tall flame-spewing demon servant of the ancient god Morgoth hanging out down there. Just thought you’d want to know that.”
Pippin: “You want a song, Denethor? All right, stand back everybody — here’s a little number from NWA called ‘Fuck Tha Police.’”- Sauron: “I know it’s preposterous, Witch-King. But we’ve got more than enough orcs here to wipe out Gondor. Post a thousand Uruk-hai by the lava pit on Mount Doom, just in case. Humor me.”
- Frodo: “You’re right, Sam. Let’s tie Gollum up and leave him here in Emyn Muir. No, wait, I’ve got a better idea — let’s torture the slimy bastard.”
- Merri: “No, actually, running from screeching Black Riders in the middle of the night doesn’t sound like our idea of fun. Come on, Pippin, we’re outta here. There’s a barrel of pipeweed with our names on it back in Hobbiton.”
- Aragorn: “You little hairy bastards are much too stupid to be trusted with that ring. Hand it over and go home. I’ll take it to Rivendell already — you’re just slowing me down.”
- Eowyn: “Actually, Arwen sounds kind of cute. Do Dunedain Rangers practice polyamory?”
- Saruman: “On second thought, betraying the gods in Valinor who sent me to Middle Earth and forsaking an eternity of immortal bliss just so I can lord it up with a second-rate evil sorcerer doesn’t sound like such a good idea. Let’s breed an army of eagles instead and get that bitch to Mount Doom pronto.”
- Sam: “All right, Frodo, you’re getting way too attached to that ring, and we both know it. From now on, we stick that thing in a backpack and carry it in shifts.”
- Gondorian beacon lighter #7: “Nah, don’t worry, baby. I’ve been stationed here for twenty years, and they’ve never asked me to light that thing. We mostly just sit around playing cards. Nobody’ll notice if I take the night off.”
- Butterbur: “I told those Hobbits not to make a mess in my establishment. The stupid Scottish one spilled beer all over the floor. Don’t bother going to that room, Mr. Black Rider — they’re up on the third floor with the Ranger.”
- Elrond: “I’m sorry, we’re not authorized to perform any Elvish medicine on this wounded Hobbit of yours until we’ve seen proof of insurance. You’ll just have to take him somewhere else.”
- Pippin: “Thanks for busting up Isengard, Treebeard. Don’t get too settled, though — we’re taking the ents and the huorns to Gondor next. Yes, I know it’s a long way, but they already walked to Helm’s Deep, right? Besides, they’re trees. What else do they have to do?”
- Elrond: “The Council made a resolution suggesting we take the ring to Mordor and cast it back into Mount Doom, but looks like we’ve been filibustered by the Gondorian delegation. Guess the bill’s going back to committee. Frickin’ Democrats.”
- Nazgul #4: “You know, if we stopped screeching at the top of our lungs for once, we might be able to sneak up on those little fuckers.”
- Galadriel: “Thanks, Frodo, that ring will go nicely in my collection. I mean, I’ve already been rebelling against the Valar for thousands of years — no reason to stop now.”
- Arwen: “Let me see… Another forty years with the man I love, or the rest of eternity frolicking with all my friends and family in a deathless land with the gods right next door. When you put it that way, it’s really not much of a decision, is it? Besides, Aragorn’s already got Eowyn, and I’ve got my sub love slave Figwit.”
- Faramir: “You know, Frodo, I’ve got about 50 men here with me. We could take you as far as Cirith Ungol and wipe out that evil giant spider demon. It’s the least I could do, considering the fate of all Middle Earth is in your hands. Denethor’s just going to send me to defend a deserted city anyway.”
- Rosie: “Forget it, Sam, you pretended I didn’t exist and then disappeared off to who knows where for a year. What was I supposed to do, wait around for you forever? I married Fatty Bolger instead.”
- Gollum: “Okay, we finally gots our ring back. Now let’s not waste time celebrating, eh, precious? Put on the ring, push nasty Hobbitses into volcano, and let’s get back to cave and nice fish. Niiiiice fish.”