The Jump 225 Jumbo Mega-Bonanza Summer Giveaway, Week 2

In last week’s contest, I asked for unpublishable blurbs for my novels, and you did not disappoint. I’m now ready to declare a winner. That winner? Frank Schiavo. Mr. Schiavo submitted this unpublishable (and borderline unbloggable) blurb:

“MultiReal is the biggest and best thing I’ve held in my hands this year. It is filled with a white-hot explosion of goodness that literally comes up from every page in a burst of salty yet sweet power. An earth-shaking winner that will be stiff competition for awards come next season and that I’m sure to tell all my friends to strap on and try out for themselves.”
— Award-winning actress & author Tera Patrick

I thought this blurb was hilarious even before I had any idea who Tera Patrick was. Then I Googled the name and discovered that this woman on the right is Tera Patrick, star of such films as Teradise Island and Asian Street Hookers 6. (Perhaps I might have recognized her if I hadn’t stopped watching the series after the disappointing Asian Street Hookers 4: Electric Boogaloo.) Even more amusing was the fact that Frank sent this blurb from his work email at a law firm in New Orleans, complete with ridiculous law firm confidentiality disclaimer in the footer.

Such shameless and enterprising genius has earned Mr. Schiavo a copy of the Complete David Louis Edelman Canon, consisting of:

• One copy of the Solaris mass market of Infoquake
• One copy of the Pyr trade paperback of MultiReal
• One copy of The Solaris Book of New Science Fiction, Volume Two (containing my story “Mathralon”)
• One copy of the new Overlook Press edition of Mervyn Peake’s Titus Alone (containing my introduction)

I will say that Mr. Schiavo did have some tough competition. I thought the best runner-up was this clearly well-thought-out blurb, submitted by Mick Summer:

“MultiReal is tonight’s word! Have the literati snobs left yet? Just for us sci-fi readers, MultiReal is real meat for hard science fans! David Louis Edelman’s godless, liberal future cleverly masks an explosive expose of today’s mediascape, with truthiness and balls by the spadefull. Get MultiReal! Don’t forget Infoquake, the prequel. For a two-patty brain-shaking read, get the pair! MultiReal — and so can you!”
— Stephen Colbert

In a similar pseudo-political vein was this one, submitted by David Crampton:

“MultiReal? Liberal propaganda! Everyone knows there’s only one real! More than one real is un-American! This Edelman character is probably terrorist fist-bumping with sleeper cells! Now, I’m not saying that he’s a criminal, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he ended up in Gitmo! How many reals will he have then, huh? What do you mean, did I read the book?”
— Bill O’Reilly

There were even some good quick one-liners, like this one from Steven Klotz:

“Forget steak. I’d go Judas on Neo’s ass for just a glance at MultiReal.”
— Cypher

Jim Haley put a smile on my face with this twofer from James T. Kirk. The ellipses are a nice touch.

“Captain’s Log, Stardate 07032008. Bones gave me a… copy of this… MultiReal book and I just… can’t seem to put it down. Not even an… Orion slave girl could… tempt me away.”
— James T. Kirk

“Captain’s Log, Stardate 07032008.1. As it turns out… a Orion slave girl… COULD drag me away. But not for long.”
— James T. Kirk

Overall, a very nice batch indeed — and there were more worthy entries than those I published here. Thanks to all who entered.

* * *

As for the approximately 6 billion people out there who are not Frank Schiavo… here’s your next chance to win the complete DLE canon.

This week’s contest: inspired by Frank Schiavo (and Tera Patrick), I want to see the best science fiction or fantasy-related porno parody title. You know, like:

• Star Whores III: Revenge of the Tits
• Rod Emperor of Dooin’
• J.R.R. Pokien’s The SeeMoreJillian
• MultiFeel: Book 2 of the Hump 269 Trilogy

Bonus points if you stay away from the old stand-bys. I mean, come on, we’ve all thought of a million porno parody titles for The Lord of the Rings and Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan by now. Let’s see some good porno parody titles for really uber mega geeky works that only a confirmed SF/F addict would recognize. Where are the parody titles for C.J. Cherryh’s The Pride of Chanur? Or Philip K. Dick’s Flow My Tears, the Policeman Said? Norman Spinrad’s Bug Jack Barron?

Submit as many titles as you want. I’ll be picking the winner based on the single best title. Once again, you’ll be competing for the four books you see here. Deadline is Sunday, July 13 at 11:59 pm Eastern Time.

Submit entries via email to dedelman@gmail.com, with “Summer Giveaway Contest 2” in the subject line. (Really, use that subject line. I had to fish a couple entries out of the spam filter last time. Having a subject line to look for really helps.)

Update, July 14 @ 8:40 AM: The winner of this week’s contest has been announced.